The way you talk to yourself is the root of your health and well-being. What do you notice in your self-talk patterns? Do you feel triggered and reactive, and weighed down by each passing moment? You're not alone. The good news is, there's always a way through to the other side.
What are triggers?
They are strong emotional reactions that arise suddenly as a result of some stimulus, and it is the mark of a deep wound or limiting belief. How do we learn and grow so that we do not get triggered? The answer is found in the pause between the stimulus and the impulsive reaction. Like a thorn in your side that you have spent years concealing, protecting and avoiding in hopes that it will never be touched again, the only way to remove the trigger is to find the thorn and do the work to learn, release and heal. This takes patience, curiosity, and a growth mindset.
We all carry emotional baggage. Whether we are reacting to things in the moment that is less than ideal or holding onto judgment, resentment, guilt, or sadness from past events that rocked us to our core; this emotional baggage weighs us down. Where does this come from? Why are we so hard on ourselves? Why is it easier to pass judgment and compare ourselves to what we are not, versus loving ourselves wholeheartedly and choose forgiveness and compassion as our first instinct?
Like most things I am discovering, the secret sauce to shift in a new direction and create new habits starts with a change in perspective. First off, your triggered state is not happening because of the person in front of you or because of who you are, it is the sign of a trauma or undigested experience from years ago.
As Miles Sherts from Conscious Communication states:
“No one situation or person is fully responsible for the magnitude of our emotional charge. That person or situation has usually caused an emotion to surface that was already there, connected to some hurt that occurred in the past. One of the consequences of our habit of ignoring emotions is that they tend to pile up. So, most of us have a backlog of emotional wounds connected to situations that we never dealt with or resolved.”
Triggers are not something you can just “let go” of. That’s like having a fracture in your femur and expecting that you can just will it away. I don’t think so.
Once you are aware that you are in a triggered state, try these helpful steps:
1. Take a few moments to gather yourself by creating a sense of grounding.
Connect with your breath and tune into five to eight seconds for an inhale, pause at the top, and then exhale for five to six seconds and pause at the bottom.
2. Then, ask yourself, what do I really want here?
What do I want for this relationship? How do I need to show up here to move through this with grace, vulnerability, and authenticity?
3. Once you can remove yourself from the situation, find some time to put pen to paper and write about your experience.
What did you notice as the trigger arrived? What did it feel like? What “need” was not being met in that situation?
4. What reminder do you need next time you find yourself in that triggered state?
Trauma is generally a multitude of layers. Expect that this process will take some time and exploration. Use the wisdom of the Growth Mindset to bring in high-quality energy and focus more on the process versus the destination. A Growth Mindset points at the joy of continually getting better at something, rather than being fixated on not being enough right now. It is about being in the process of improving and developing skills rather than trying to prove your worth and demonstrate your skills. This mindset is ideal for the personal development journey because you will be face to face with parts of yourself that make you uncomfortable (to say the least). Your relationship with growth, yourself and this life will dictate how much energy you can cultivate in that pause before you decide what direction you truly want to go in. The skills you cultivate in self-inquiry will serve you for a lifetime. They are tools that will allow you to move through difficult conversations and emotions with greater efficacy and empowerment each time.
You got this.
Words by Marin McCue